The measure of your Christianity is gauged by the character of your home life. The grace of Christ enables its possessors to make the home a happy place full of peace and rest.—The Signs of the Times, November 14, 1892
(DG 180)
Marriage
God’s Original Design—God celebrated the first marriage. Thus the institution has for its originator the Creator of the universe. “Marriage is honourable” (Hebrews 13:4); it was one of the first gifts of God to man, and it is one of the two institutions that, after the Fall, Adam brought with him beyond the gates of Paradise. When the divine principles are recognized and obeyed in this relation, marriage is a blessing; it guards the purity and happiness of the race, it provides for man’s social needs, it elevates the physical, the intellectual, and the moral nature.—Patriarchs and Prophets, 46 (1890).
(DG 180.1)
Marriage a Sacred Institution—Marriage has received Christ’s blessing, and it is to be regarded as a sacred institution. True religion is not to counterwork the Lord’s plans. God ordained that man and woman should be united in holy wedlock, to raise up families that, crowned with honor, would be symbols of the family in heaven. And at the beginning of His public ministry Christ gave His decided sanction to the institution that had been sanctioned in Eden. Thus He declared to all that He will not refuse His presence on marriage occasions, and that marriage, when joined with purity and holiness, truth and righteousness, is one of the greatest blessings ever given to the human family.—The Signs of the Times, August 30, 1899.
(DG 180.2)
Each Has Individual Responsibilities—The two who unite their interest in life will have distinct characteristics and individual responsibilities. Each one will have his or her work, but women are not to be valued by the amount of work they can do as are beasts of burden. The wife is to grace the family circle as a wife and companion to a wise husband. At every step she should inquire “Is this the standard of true womanhood?” and “How shall I make my influence Christlike in my home?” The husband should let his wife know that he appreciates her work.
(DG 181.1)
The wife is to respect her husband. The husband is to love and cherish his wife; and as their marriage vow unites them as one, so their belief in Christ should make them one in Him. What can be more pleasing to God than to see those who enter into the marriage relation seek together to learn of Jesus and to become more and more imbued with His Spirit?—The Adventist Home, 114 (1899).
Wife to Be Treated Tenderly—Yours can yet be a happy family. Your wife needs your help. She is like a clinging vine; she wants to lean upon your strength. You can help her and lead her along. You should never censure her. Never reprove her if her efforts are not what you think they should be. Rather encourage her by words of tenderness and love. You can help your wife to preserve her dignity and self-respect. Never praise the work or acts of others before her to make her feel her deficiencies. You have been harsh and unfeeling in this respect. You have shown greater courtesy to your hired help than to her and have placed th em ahead of her in the house.—Testimonies for the Church 2:305 (1869).
(DG 181.2)
Wife Cheerfully to Help Husband Maintain Dignity—I have also been shown that there is often a great failure on the part of the wife. She does not put forth strong efforts to control her own spirit and make home happy. There is often fretfulness and unnecessary complaining on her part. The husband comes home from his labor weary and perplexed, and meets a clouded brow instead of cheerful, encouraging words. He is but human, and his affections become weaned from his wife, he loses the love of his home, his pathway is darkened, and his courage destroyed. He yields his self-respect and that dignity which God requires him to maintain.—Testimonies for the Church 1:307 (1862).
(DG 181.3)
Love for Christ, Love for Each Other—Neither the husband nor the wife should merge his or her individuality in that of the other. Each has a personal relation to God. Of Him each is to ask, “What is right”? “What is wrong”? “How may I best fulfill life’s purpose”? Let the wealth of your affection flow forth to Him who gave His life for you. Make Christ first and last and best in everything. As your love for Him becomes deeper and stronger, your love for each other will be purified and strengthened.
(DG 182.1)
The spirit that Christ manifests toward us is the spirit that husband and wife are to manifest toward each other. “As Christ also hath loved us,”“walk in love.”“As the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.”
(DG 182.2)
Neither the husband nor the wife should attempt to exercise over the other an arbitrary control. Do not try to compel each other to yield to your wishes. You cannot do this and retain each other’s love. Be kind, patient and forbearing, considerate and courteous. By the grace of God you can succeed in making each other happy, as in your marriage vow you promised to do.—The Review and Herald, December 10, 1908. [See Appendix E.]
(DG 182.3)
Take Care in Choosing a Life Companion
Unwise Marriage Can Ruin Usefulness—If those who are contemplating marriage would not have miserable, unhappy reflections after marriage, they must make it a subject of serious, earnest reflection now. This step taken unwisely is one of the most effective means of ruining the usefulness of young men and women. Life becomes a burden, a curse. No one can so effectually ruin a woman’s happiness and usefulness, and make life a heartsickening burden, as her own husband; and no one can do one hundredth part as much to chill the hopes and aspirations of a man, to paralyze his energies and ruin his influence and prospects, as his own wife. It is from the marriage hour that many men and women date their success or failure in this life, and their hopes of the future life.—The Review and Herald, February 2, 1886.
(DG 182.4)
Is He Worthy?—Before giving her hand in marriage, every woman should inquire whether he with whom she is about to unite her destiny is worthy. What has been his past record? Is his life pure? Is the love which he expresses of a noble, elevated character, or is it a mere emotional fondness? Has he the traits of character that will make her happy? Can she find true peace and joy in his affection? Will she be allowed to preserve her individuality, or must her judgment and conscience be surrendered to the control of her husband? As a disciple of Christ, she is not her own; she has been bought with a price. Can she honor the Saviour’s claims as supreme? Will body and soul, thoughts and purposes, be preserved pure and holy? These questions have a vital bearing upon the well-being of every woman who enters the marriage relation.—Testimonies for the Church 5:362 (1885).
(DG 183.1)
Wife to Keep Her Own Identity—A woman that will submit to be ever dictated to in the smallest matters of domestic life, who will yield up her identity, will never be of much use or blessing in the world, and will not answer the purpose of God in her existence. She is a mere machine to be guided by another’s will and another’s mind. God has given each one, men and women, an identity, an individuality, that they must act in the fear of God for themselves.—Testimonies on Sexual Behavior, Adultery, and Divorce, 25 (1885).
(DG 183.2)
When Problems Arise
Christ Our Help in Time of Trouble—The following letter was written to Mrs. Philip Wessels on March 7, 1897. Portions of it appear in The Adventist Home. It is hoped that this letter will be an encouragement to those who face similar circumstances.
(DG 183.3)
Dear Sister Wessels,
(DG 183)
I will pen a few lines to you this morning. I hope and pray that you will not lose faith, or become discouraged. We all have our individuality; this cannot be submerged in another. You have a soul to save or to lose. The Lord will be to you a present help in every time of trouble. He would have you stand at your post of duty, relying wholly upon Him who has loved us and died for us.
(DG 183.4)
You now have a double responsibility, because your husband has turned his face away from Jesus. As a mother, your work is to bring your children to the Master. When Christ was upon earth, and the mothers brought their children to Him, the disciples were about to send them away, but Jesus rebuked the disciples, saying, “Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.”
(DG 184.1)
I know it must be a great grief for you to stand alone, as far as the doing of the Word is concerned. But how knowest thou, Oh wife, but that your consistent life of faith and obedience may win back your husband to the truth. Let the dear children be brought to Jesus. In simple language speak the words of truth to them. Sing to them pleasant, attractive songs, which reveal the love of Christ. Bring your children to Jesus, for He loves little children.
(DG 184.2)
Keep cheerful. Do not forget that you have a Comforter, the Holy Spirit, which Christ has appointed. You are never alone. If you will listen to the voice that now speaks to you, if you will respond without delay to the knocking at the door of your heart, “Come in, Lord Jesus, that I may sup with Thee, and Thee with me,” the heavenly Guest will enter. When this element, which is all divine, abides with you, there is peace and rest. It is the kingdom of heaven come nigh unto you.
(DG 184.3)
Let every hour be one of trust and prayer and faith. You may expect trials. We must all be purified from dross, and made white and tried. In the time of trial, seek to bring every thought into captivity to Jesus Christ. One foe after another may come in unexpected ways, but dismiss the temptations of the enemy. In this way, we go on from grace to grace, from strength to strength, obtaining one spiritual victory after another.
(DG 184.4)
Hold fast to Christ, and He will give you His strong arm to lean upon. There is a crown of life for the overcomer.
(DG 184.5)
Close union with Christ means to do the words of Christ. He calls this union a continuance of His love. Then the heart is in harmony with God. Treasure up the promises, doing every little duty faithfully, as unto God. “If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love.” Here is compliance and dependence.
(DG 184.6)
You have a strong Helper, and while you trust in your surety, you are safe. The sapless twig, grafted into the living vine, partakes of the same nourishment [as] the vine, and becomes a branch. The closest possible relation between the sinner and the Saviour is seen when the sinner is a doer of the Word of God. Then the heart, the will, the mind, are in close union with Christ. By faith, finite, feeble, helpless humanity joins its feebleness to His strength. Such a union—[showing] entire confidence and love—our helplessness and dependence demands.
(DG 184.7)
Christ died a shameful death that He might bring us unto God. When the soul is persuaded that Christ is able to save to the uttermost all who come unto Him, when it resigns itself entirely to Him as an all-sufficient Saviour, when it clings to the promises made and believes fully in Jesus, it is pronounced by God [as] one with Christ. A soul that depends on Christ with the simplicity that a child depends upon its mother is justified, for it becomes one with the Substitute, who was Justification and Redemption. Herein is love, that the heart and will are knit together in Christ Jesus.
(DG 185.1)
What saith our Saviour? “I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.”“He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my Father; and I will love him, and will manifest myself to him.” When trials overshadow the soul, remember the words of Christ, remember that He is an unseen presence in the person of the Holy Spirit, and He will be the peace and comfort given you, manifesting to you that He is with you, the Sun of Righteousness, chasing away your darkness. “If a man love me,” Christ said, “he will keep my words: and my Father will love him, and we will come unto him, and make our abode with him.” Be of good cheer; light will come, and your soul will rejoice greatly in the Lord.—Letter 124, 1897.
(DG 185.2)
Hold Fast Under Trying Circumstances—Again, on October 5, 1898, Mrs. White wrote to Sister Wessels, encouraging her to have faith and to stay close to the Lord.
(DG 185.3)
Dear Sister Wessels,
(DG 185)
I feel a deep interest in you, your husband, and your children. I thank my heavenly Father that He has given you grace to hold fast the faith under trying circumstances. But do not for a moment, my sister, distrust your heavenly Father. Let your heart trust in God. Place your confidence in Him. His hand sustains you, and if you abide in Christ, you will grow stronger and stronger. Following on to know the Lord, you will know that His goings forth are prepared as the morning.
(DG 185.4)
The knowledge of the truth is connected with the possession of that faith that works by love and purifies the soul. If you continue to trust in God, you will realize the most precious blessings in every time of need. The Lord sees, the Lord knows, how much you need His grace. You may depend upon Him. His mediation is assured in His promise, His everlasting pledge. “Them that honor me,” He says, “I will honor.” The Lord will reward your simple faith and trust in Him. You need not distrust the Word of God at any time. You have proved the promise of God. You have felt His hand upholding you. The Lord will hear your prayers.—Letter 82, 1898.
(DG 186.1)
Invite the Softening, Subduing Spirit of God to Settle Differences
Portion of a long letter written to Mrs. Mary Nelson on March 19, 1902. Ellen White tried to give the Nelsons counsel that would unite them as a family once again.
(DG 186.2)
Your children need a father, you need a husband, and your husband needs a wife. You need the help of your husband, and you both need the help of the Saviour. Both of you should cultivate faith. Your children need a father who will wear Christ’s yoke, a father who will submit his will to God’s will, to be molded and fashioned by the divine hand.
(DG 186.3)
My brother, my sister, for some time you have not been living together. You should not have pursued this course, and would not have done so, if both of you had been cultivating the patience, kindness, and forbearance that should ever exist between husband and wife. Neither of you should set up your own will and try to carry out your individual ideas and plans, whatever the consequences may be. Neither of you should be determined to do as you please. Let the softening, subduing influence of the Spirit of God work upon your hearts, and fit you for the work of training your children. Your work, under God, is to mold and fashion their characters. In order to lay hold on the strength and power that the Lord alone can give you, you must exercise faith. Appeal to your heavenly Father to keep you from yielding to the temptation to speak in an impatient, harsh, willful manner to each other—the husband to the wife, and the wife to the husband. Both of you have imperfect characters. Because you have not been under God’s control, your conduct toward each other has been unwise.
(DG 186.4)
I beseech you to bring yourselves under God’s control. When tempted to speak provokingly, refrain from saying anything. You will be tempted on this point, because you have never overcome this objectionable trait of character. But every wrong habit must be overcome. Make a complete surrender to God. Fall on the Rock, Christ Jesus, and be broken. As husband and wife, discipline yourselves. Go to Christ for help. He will willingly supply you with His divine sympathy, His free grace. He who for thirty years was a faithful son, working at the carpenter’s trade in order to do His share in bearing the burdens of the family firm, will give His followers strength faithfully to do their part in sharing the burdens of homelife.
(DG 187.1)
My sister, Christ has committed to you the sacred work of teaching His commandments to your children. In order to be fitted for this work, you must yourself live in obedience to all His precepts. Cultivate a watchful observance of every word and action. Guard most diligently your words. Overcome all hastiness of temper; for impatience, if manifested, will help the adversary to make the homelife disagreeable and unpleasant for your children.
(DG 187.2)
We are all the property of the Lord Jesus. He gave His life as a ransom to redeem us. By His gift every family—father, mother, and children—may be saved. My sister, will you neglect your home duties by not putting to tax your God-given power of will in an effort to help your children? In the name of the Lord, I charge you to make every effort, with your husband’s help, to save your children.
(DG 187.3)
Upon each of you, as parents, rests the equal responsibility of guarding every word and action, that neither your words nor your deportment shall disparage you in the estimation of your children. Bring into the household all the pleasantness and comfort and joy that you possibly can.
(DG 187.4)
My dear Brother and Sister Nelson, repent before God for your past course. Come to an understanding and reunite as husband and wife. Put away the disagreeable, unhappy experience of your past life. Take courage in the Lord. Close the windows of the soul earthward and open them heavenward. If your voices are uplifted in prayer to heaven for light, the Lord Jesus, who is light and life, peace and joy, will hear your cry. He, the Sun of righteousness, will shine into the chambers of your mind, lighting up the soul-temple. If you welcome the sunshine of His presence into your home, you will not utter words of a nature to cause feelings of unhappiness.
(DG 188.1)
Oh, Mary, I beg of you to stop and consider how much you are grieving the Holy Spirit of God! Seek the Lord with your whole heart, that the Sun of righteousness may shine into your soul, and work in you an entire transformation, sanctifying your every word and action.
(DG 188.2)
How I wish I could cry with a loud voice to every mother in the land, “Sanctify your spirit through the grace that Christ freely gives to those who ask Him for grace. Practice tenderness. Manifest a sanctified love for your children. Interest yourself in their happiness. Teach them to exercise good sense. Acquaint them with God and His purpose for them. Make the religion of Jesus Christ attractive. Never offend the Lord God by dissension and unhappy differences. Seek for meekness and lowliness of heart. Cultivate affection.”
(DG 188.3)
Brother and Sister Nelson, while in the past you have disagreed, you are now under solemn obligation to God to make the most of your God-given abilities and powers. You should improve every opportunity you have for reaching a higher standard. It is God’s purpose, signified to you through Sister White, His servant, that you should look to Jesus, and, by beholding Him, be changed into His likeness. The Lord desires that you shall no longer be children in your Christian experience, but, through the impartation of His grace, that you shall be complete in Him. If you take advantage of the present opportunity for reaching a higher experience, you can become strong and complete in Christ Jesus.
(DG 188.4)
Brother Nelson, will you soften and subdue your nature? You may become like Jesus and be His missionary, His helping hand. He never prompts you to be exacting, dictatorial, and severe toward the members of your family and toward others with whom you associate. You can live this life only once. Will you not bring the pleasantness and the goodness of a perfect character into this life? The Lord wants you to be good and to do good. We can individually make life what we please. If we choose, we can honor God by using aright the talent of speech.
(DG 188.5)
My brother, take up the care of your children. It will do no good to blame them; for they have received your disposition as an inheritance. In governing them, be firm, but not arbitrary. In talking with them, speak in a manner that will not create a feeling of stubborn resistance.
(DG 189.1)
Brother and Sister Nelson, the example that you have set before your children has not been what it would have been had you been converted. If you were changed by the grace of Christ, you would show that you had overcome selfishness and the desire to have your own way, to consult your natural inclinations, and to do as you please. Now is the time to show that you do not live to please self. Bring into the character the fragrance of Christ’s character. Put away the spirit of scolding, fretting, and repining. Cultivate purity of speech. Pray and sing to the glory of God. Let the peace of God rule in your hearts.—Letter 47a, 1902.
(DG 189.2)
Courtship and Marriage Serious Step
Ellen White’s grandniece, Addie Walling, was like a daughter to her. A distant cousin of Addie’s apparently was interested in courting her. Mrs. White outlined her reasons for her lack of enthusiasm for such a courtship.
(DG 189.3)
Since writing the foregoing I received a letter from you that has relieved me somewhat, but I am still some troubled. I think Reuben [Tapley]—I hope that there is no attachment between you. I should feel very sad if you had given him any decided encouragement. I like Reuben. I consider him an honest-hearted young man, but not one I would want to give you in marriage to for several reasons. One is, he is a consumptive, of a consumptive family, and I know too well what it is to have to battle with this terrible disease. We buried Nathaniel and Annie White with consumption. We buried Lumen Masten, foreman of the office, with consumption. We buried Robert Harmon, my next oldest brother, with consumption. We buried Sarah Belden with consumption.
(DG 189.4)
I would not favor, as you regard health and happiness, your connecting with one who is predisposed to consumption. His mother has escaped consumption because of a scrofulous swelling in her side. She has no health, but is liable to die any time. His mother’s father, Samuel McCann, died of the long, lingering consumption, and my sister Harriet, his wife, took it of him, and her suffering was extreme. She died. Sarah, the eldest daughter, died of consumption. Melville, the next-eldest son, died of consumption. Lucy Ellen next died of consumption. Mary, the next, died of consumption, and only two of the children now live. It is the worst kind of consumption, and we feel deeply the need of care in this matter of connecting our interest with those whose blood is tainted with this dread destroyer.
(DG 190.1)
As soon as I looked upon Reuben I knew he was marked. He will not live long. His slim neck, his large head, tell the painful story that his life is short. Now, Addie, there is still a more painful side to this question. While they are having a feeble hold on life, only one of this large family was religiously inclined; that was Sarah. Lucy Ellen made no preparation for heaven till on her deathbed; then with her expiring breath she called upon God. Melissa is religious. She has had all the light upon the Sabbath, yet has not kept it. This is Reuben’s mother. Melville neglected religion just as Reuben does. [But he] did not oppose [it] when he was dying. His last breath was agonizing prayer. So, also, May neglected to give her heart to God till her very last dying days.
(DG 190.2)
Now this is worse to me than the dreaded disease of consumption. But I could not consent to have there be an attachment between you and Reuben. It is just and right that you should open your mind freely to me on this subject of courtship and marriage, for this concerns your happiness more than any other event of your life, and you need counsel and advice here more than on any other point. I hope to hear from you often.—Letter 95, 1886.
(DG 190.3)
Families
Families on Earth to Be Symbols of Family in Heaven—If the hearts were kept tender in our families, if there were a noble, generous deference to each other’s tastes and opinions, if the wife were seeking opportunities to express her love by actions in her courtesies to her husband, and the husband manifesting the same consideration and kindly regard for the wife, the children would partake of the same spirit. The influence would pervade the household, and what a tide of misery would be saved in families! Men would not go from home to find happiness; and women would not pine for love, and lose courage and self-respect, and become lifelong invalids. Only one life lease is granted us, and with care, painstaking, and self-control it can be made endurable, pleasant, and even happy.—This Day With God, 335 (1872).
(DG 190.4)
Kindness Makes Home Pleasant Indeed—By speaking kindly to their children, and praising them when they try to do right, parents may encourage their efforts, make them very happy, and throw around the family circle a charm which will chase away every dark shadow, and bring cheerful sunlight in. Mutual kindness and forbearance will make home a paradise, and attract holy angels into the family circle; but they will flee from a house where there are unpleasant words, fretfulness, and strife. Unkindness, complaining, and anger shut Jesus from the dwelling.—The Signs of the Times, April 17, 1884.
(DG 191.1)
Hospitality in the Home
A Plea for More Home Hospitality—Even among those who profess to be Christians, true hospitality is little exercised. Among our own people the opportunity of showing hospitality is not regarded as it should be, as a privilege and blessing. There is altogether too little sociability, too little of a disposition to make room for two or three more at the family board without embarrassment or parade. Some plead that “it is too much trouble.” It would not be if you would say, “We have made no special preparation, but you are welcome to what we have.” By the unexpected guest a welcome is appreciated far more than is the most elaborate preparation.—Testimonies for the Church 6:343 (1900).
(DG 191.2)
Ready for the Unexpected Guest—Some householders stint the family table in order to provide expensive entertainment for visitors. This is unwise. In the entertainment of guests there should be greater simplicity. Let the needs of the family have first attention.
(DG 191.3)
Unwise economy and artificial customs often prevent the exercise of hospitality where it is needed and would be a blessing. The regular supply of food for our tables should be such that the unexpected guest can be made welcome without burdening the housewife to make extra preparation.—The Ministry of Healing, 322 (1905). [In Ellen White’s home there was no extra cooking for visitors. Abundant, simple food was served to family and guests alike. The menu was varied from meal to meal, prepared and served tastefully.]
(DG 191.4)
For further reading see: The Adventist Home; Child Guidance; Testimonies on Sexual Behavior, Adultery, and Divorce.
(DG 192.1)